I'm having trouble.
No, trouble isn't the right word. It doesn't quite encapsulate what is going on in my gray matter. Shit. Here goes.
I have always struggled with my self esteem. Not just the some days up and some days down. Everyone goes through that. This was, is, a constant battle with the second guessing monster. That tiny little fucker on your shoulder that makes you question everything you do. Causes you to sap your own confidence in yourself and your decision making. Taking little decisions, or choices and inflating them to epic proportions. Making little mistakes seem earth shattering.
I feel horrible about myself. Like I can't make any kind of decision by myself.
“I need to do this by myself.” I said.
On the other side of the phone in a plaintive and patronizing voice, “No, you don't have to do it by yourself.”
A small thing it was. But I needed to prove to myself that I could do it. I did, but that response has stayed with me for 13 years. I came out of it with a false idea of what an adult should be able to do. I berated myself for things I couldn't do on my own that I thought all adults were doing but me. I constantly second guessed my decisions.
Am I doing this the right way?
Am I hurting someone else's feelings?
Will everyone agree that I did the right thing?
And there it is. Will everyone agree that I did the right thing? The crux of the issue. Self esteem. What will other people think. Will I be able to please everyone? Will they agree? Self esteem.
I battle with this every time I deal with or encounter certain aspects of my life. I'm much better now, than I was.
Balance. That is what I seek. The balance between going over situations and decisions to learn from them, and still being confident that I made the right choice. And if I decide I didn't, to rectify it.
I know I am a good and kind and thoughtful person. I've worked hard to become that person. My next goal is to become as strong and confident as I want to be. Other people's opinions matter. They can help you grow. But I know myself the best.
These I wish for myself, and I have them. Now I work on improving them. Show others by my actions.
In Strength, Love and Gratitude,