Tuesday, December 30, 2008
I didn't know what I wanted.
I didn't even know where to start.
I just prayed.
Prayed and talked about what I didn't want,
And what scared me.
Slowly it came to me,
Through this conversation with my God.
The thing I was most afraid of,
Was what I wanted.
Something that had haunted me time and again.
Had been my tormentor.
Little did I know it would be the catalyst,
That started the rest of my life.
I prayed for change.
A change in myself,
And a change in what I wanted.
Some of these,
I already had.
Some needed changing.
Others I didn't have at all.
And so I prayed.
It is funny,
How God gives us what we want.
Even though the journey is not what we expect.
For many of us,
Was just this side of Hell.
God was teaching me.
Teaching me that I was not with the right person.
This was not the person I prayed for.
She took me on a ride.
One that would leave marks,
But without hurt, there is no chance to heal.
And then with the subtleness,
That only God can have,
My prayers were answered.
He showed me who I needed.
And for once,
I had eyes to see.
Our path together began.
Little was I prepared
For what lay ahead.
So much learning,
So much growing,
So much love.
I stand in awe.
Marks were turned into lessons.
The veil was lifted.
Love took me by surprise.
The woman I prayed for,
Began to unlock,
Things in me I didn't know I had.
Aspects buried deep,
Until she came.
She taught me Strength
She taught me Determination.
She improved everything else.
I found a Peace I never dreamed,
Could one day come to me.
Only through learning about myself,
Could I be the best person to her.
Only through learning from her,
Could I break away and find myself.
And be proud of who I had become.
All that I am is yours, my love.
May you always be my inspiration.
Monday, September 29, 2008
But that isn't the point of this post. The point is how fraking hard it is to brush something like that off. Even when you know the person is operating with a fraction of the info, and is biased from the start. Why do I want to prove to this person and everyone else how wrong he was? Why should it matter? I know what I did and accomplished, and many others know as well. Why does a fraking one liner in a post set me off?
Channel Stuart Smally,
Or at least Katee Sackhoff(Hee hee)
Then picture this limp dick skinjob fraker's head on a pike. And his liver, with fava beans and a nice chianti, perhaps.
Or breathe. And realize he doesn't matter, not even a little bit.
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Here is a prime example of shit not to let your child do:
Don't let your child sit on the door to the stuffed full dishwasher......and play with the cheese grater. This look was a "is Daddy really going to let me play with this?" look.
Here we see one of the things he inherited from his Mommy.
I rarely if ever bruise. Even if I knock the frak out of myself. Today, Patrick barley wacked himself on the chair and raised this lovely line of a bruise. That he gets from Mommy.
For all those that do not have dogs, or dogs as active as ours here is a little taste my day today.
Well, that's all I can post right now. The child is calling. Take care.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
For those that know me, I tend to get obsessed with certain TV series'. Usually those with strong, smart, and hot female leads. Alias, Dark Angel, Buffy, Alias. Did I mention Alias? The exception was Highlander, although Adrian Paul was yummy.
My newest obsession I blame on the people down the street. They let me borrow season one and the first half of season two. I have since ordered the second half of season two, although I did find it for $10 including shipping.
*As a side note, each one of the monkey frakers in marketing who thought it would be a good idea to split the season into two different sets for DVD should be taken out into the street and shot, or stranded on Caprica with nothing but a butter knife and some cheese wiz*
If the side note was not a big enough hint as to what the series is, and if you are not a big dork like me, it probably wasn't, here is another one.
I absolutly loved this show when I was a kid. Granted I was watching it on reruns given it came out when I was two.
Now I bet your asking who the strong, smart, hot female lead is. DUH!!!! Starbuck. Not only is she from my home town, but Starbuck was my favorite character from the original series. Except that was played by Dirk Benedict. Who, incidently, played my favorite character on the A Team.
So not I am stuck waiting for the mail delivery of the next part of season two. And, like the good marketers they are, episode 2.10 was a clifhanger. But I will let the nice neighbors down the street borrow it to contine their obession. Well that's all for now. More updates if I can get off my fraking lazy ass do them. Toodles.
Monday, June 16, 2008
I'm having trouble.
No, trouble isn't the right word. It doesn't quite encapsulate what is going on in my gray matter. Shit. Here goes.
I have always struggled with my self esteem. Not just the some days up and some days down. Everyone goes through that. This was, is, a constant battle with the second guessing monster. That tiny little fucker on your shoulder that makes you question everything you do. Causes you to sap your own confidence in yourself and your decision making. Taking little decisions, or choices and inflating them to epic proportions. Making little mistakes seem earth shattering.
I feel horrible about myself. Like I can't make any kind of decision by myself.
“I need to do this by myself.” I said.
On the other side of the phone in a plaintive and patronizing voice, “No, you don't have to do it by yourself.”
A small thing it was. But I needed to prove to myself that I could do it. I did, but that response has stayed with me for 13 years. I came out of it with a false idea of what an adult should be able to do. I berated myself for things I couldn't do on my own that I thought all adults were doing but me. I constantly second guessed my decisions.
Am I doing this the right way?
Am I hurting someone else's feelings?
Will everyone agree that I did the right thing?
And there it is. Will everyone agree that I did the right thing? The crux of the issue. Self esteem. What will other people think. Will I be able to please everyone? Will they agree? Self esteem.
I battle with this every time I deal with or encounter certain aspects of my life. I'm much better now, than I was.
Balance. That is what I seek. The balance between going over situations and decisions to learn from them, and still being confident that I made the right choice. And if I decide I didn't, to rectify it.
I know I am a good and kind and thoughtful person. I've worked hard to become that person. My next goal is to become as strong and confident as I want to be. Other people's opinions matter. They can help you grow. But I know myself the best.
These I wish for myself, and I have them. Now I work on improving them. Show others by my actions.
In Strength, Love and Gratitude,
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I wish I could say that life got in the way of posting, but that is not true. I simply forgot, and then put it off. Bad Blogger!!! No Biscuit!!!!
I will post more soon, but now I have to stop the child from eating Mommy's romance novels.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
For those that haven't read my wife's blog, it had finally happened. I have a job! Yay!!!!!!!!!!! I will be starting as a barista at Starbucks in the beginning of March. I had a good interview with the store manager yesterday, and am going shopping for job cloths today. Yay!!!!!!!
In the meantime, you all should come to the opera. It is The Barber of Seville and is playing March 7th-9th at the Pantages in downtown Tacoma. You can buy tickets here.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
So last week the kid gets sick with his first flu. Covering his sheets and himself in one go. I'd imagine it's because he is a new little guy, that it took 4 days for him to get over it. Then it happened. All you experienced parents out there, this is the time to chuckle. Yesterday, Jen came home from work vomiting. So I took point on kid care and did all I could to help her stay comfortable.
About 1am or so, I wake up. Shit. My turn. Pizza is good, but not that good. Especially in the amount I consumed.
Where does daycare come into this you ask? The fact that we can drop the buddy off and have nine hours to sleep and be with our pathetic selves. Hopefully we are getting better. Jen is asleep and my stomach, at least for now, has kept down the 7up and popsicles.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
I told him to check the back of his pickup because I think the gentleman dented it. Meanwhile, the gentlemen is starting his car and prepping to back out. I motion for him to roll down his window and say, "Sir, I would get out and talk to him if I were you."
He does get out, the whole time trying to justify his action by saying that the Kid smarted off to him in the store and tried to run him over in the parking lot. (The gentlemen almost stepped out in front of the Kid while behind a planter box.) Calling the Kid a smartass he got back into his car. All the while Kid was taking down his liscence plate info.
At this point I step in and tell the gentleman he kicked and dented the Kids car. His answer, as if it was supposed to exonerate him, was to tell me rudely there was already a huge dent there. I repeated my statement, but not before telling him that he was not being a big person about this.
The Kid was still too shell shocked to say much. I asked for the gentleman's name and got it, and he drove away in his gray Toyota SUV.
I asked the kid what happened in the store. Both he and the gentleman were coming out of the store at the same time. Gentleman took his bags out of his cart and left it in the middle of the entry to the store. Kid called him nicely on it. That was it. Sounds like a capital offense to me. Better put the Kid on death row.
Oh, did I mention gentleman's wife was there as well, and that she tried to defend him from inside the car?
This just goes to show, no matter how many decent people there are in the world, there are just as many indecent.
Mr. King I hope you are happy. You proved you are just another retired ugly American, whose sense of entitlement and bully behavior, is adding to our country's world image. Thank you.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
A couple of days ago I was taking the kid to the mall. After parking and getting the stroller ready, I notice a car from Texas pull in across from me. A man in BDU's gets out and takes the woman he was with into the mall. Normally this wouldn't have raised any notice, but something glinted as they pulled in. I waited until they went in and went to investigate. Here is what I found.
For those who have never been off planet, this is the symbol of the Mandalorians.
Now I know they are not so much a race as clan of many races. But I struggle to come to grips with this choice. What self respecting Mandalorian would own a beat up Ford Focus. What self respecting Mandalorian would let a friend or clanmate drive a beat up Ford Focus. I mean really. This is the guy that is always at the ass end of the pack holding everyone up. Even with a long range turbolaser mounted on top and proton torpedo tubes under the headlights this guy still couldn't catch a drunk bantha.
I suppose the only redeeming value for this guy is the light show he will give once an XJ7 quad linked lasers have a go at it.
There is one other option, however. Some schutta could have gotten his hands on a bit of white paint(see the streaks on the hood) and created a poor facsimile of the Mandalorian symbol. In which case, it will be a race to see who vapes this guy first. The Mandalorians or anyone else. Poor little man. Oh well.
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Does anyone out there know who I can talk to/how I can get my foot in the door at the convention center. There website diverts one to the city's job site and nothing is ever listed there for it. I would imagine there are jobs, even seasonal ones available. If anyone can help message/call/email me. Thanks.
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
Monday, January 7, 2008
Well, the job I interviewed for went to someone else. For all my attempts to keep in good spirits about this, saying it is their loss and this must not have been the place I am supposed to be. There is a part of me that feel differently. The dark side that wishes nothing but failure to the person who got the job instead of me. Visions of catastrophe. Visions of raging clients. Visions of that person getting fired.
But that is all they are. Visions. That vengeful person is not me. But it lurks there in the background, telling all of us things we need to hear in the first moments when the hiring manager tells us they hired someone else. Then the good, compassionate person takes over, and we wish the manager a good day and thank them. And we mean it. I mean it.
All I want to do is crawl into the nearest corner and cry.
Take all the raw emotion generated and give it a healthy outlet. Leaving room for all the true thoughts. Those that tell me I am a good and talented person. I have skills that many companies would be lucky to have. And as hard as it is, even if it takes six months, there is a job out there for me.